In this episode of the podcast I had the pleasure to sit down with Sam. He went from being addicted to ketamine to developing the ability and tools he needed to regulate his emotions.
On the episode, we discussed his addiction and his journey to recovery. He spoke about his home life and how it was meant to be good. He painted the perfect picture of his parents being together and all seemed good from the outside.
But his family worked all the time and this was challenging for Sam growing up. It got to the point when they eventually got a nanny to look after Sam.
But as he grew up and went to school, he found like a lot of addicts do, that he was bullied. Still, he tried to fit into lots of different friend groups with no luck.
”I just wanted to be someone who mattered to someone else.Sam
He realised he was looking for love outside but it was always at home, inside himself.
As he started to grow up he felt here, there and everywhere.
”My compulsive side started early on.Sam
He went from smoking weed to cocaine and MDMA (ecstasy), then on to his drug of choice, ketamine.
He stuck with ketamine because at first, he thought it mellowed him out. His moods were very up and down and it would keep him chill. But he realised in time that everything would just come out like an explosion the next day.
Ultimately his drugs made his ability to manage his emotions harder.
As he got further drawn into his addiction he had turned into someone he did not recognise. He felt isolated and alone and realised he was slipping away.
”I became someone I always promised myself I would not be.Sam
But he continued to use drugs to suppress his memories and feelings. He discovered it was taking his life away from him. Using ketamine meant that if he was in a dark place he could enjoy it, but because ketamine is a downer, he would go deeper into despair.
He always thought he could quit buy himself. He used to say to himself, “I can stop when I want.”
Often times as addicts we get stuck in the contradiction that on one hand we say exactly what Sam did. That we are in control. But on the other hand, we realise that even when we don’t want to use, we are drawn in by the automatic behaviour. It is like we want to stop one minute, the next we are using. How many times have you said, oh this is the last time?
However, as the time when on he realised we all need someone to help. He started to see the bigger picture and that he had addiction problems.
Along his journey, he used a variety of tools to get clean, from rehab to meditation and many things in between.
One of the big shifts was finding his new peer group and finding a tribe that was like him, on a path to recovery.
Listen to the episode to get the full story.